Willpower

I came across that word yesterday, while surfing the blogs.  The word "willpower" never even crossed my mind this time around, until yesterday.  To me, willpower means gathering the strength to deny yourself something you really, really want, probably setting yourself up to fail.  I think it's a matter of perspective.  What is it that I really, really want?  I know what I don't want.  I don't want to have diabetes anymore.  I don't want to be in pain and on a cane anymore.  I don't want to have to sit on the sidelines anymore.  I don't want to have to wear fat clothes anymore.  I don't want to worry about having a stroke anymore.  I don't want to worry about dying in my sleep of sleep apnea anymore.  I don't want to have to take 5 different prescription medicines anymore.

I decided sometime ago, I want this to be a lifestyle change I will want to stick with.  I am denying myself nothing.  NOTHING.  My goal is to retrain myself to eat normal amounts of real, healthy, whole foods.  That means no fake food.  I still eat real butter, eggs, sugar, mayo, salt, dairy foods.  I do prefer the taste of lowfat dairy, however.  The higher fat dairy is too thick and gaggy for me. 

I read something not long ago.  It was, "If it didn't exist 100 years ago, don't eat it."  I still eat all these things, but I am realistic about the amounts.  Toast does not have to be dripping with butter to taste good.  I like the taste of food not swimming in gravy and sauces.  I want to savor the taste of a bite of fresh tomato, green beans, whatever.  I imagine the weight would come off faster if I ate the fake food, but I would be less likely to stick with it.  I want to learn to manage real food.  That way there is no diet to come off of and possibly regain the fat.

Believe it or not, as heavy as I am, my cholesterol is only 139.  I have my mom to thank for that.  When she married my step-dad, he was diagnosed with high-cholesterol.  I was 10 at the time.  So, we all went on a low cholesterol diet and I was raised on that.  Real, healthy, from scratch, whole foods.  And, she was working a full time job.

So what is it that I really, really want?  I want to go hiking again.  I want to sit on an airplane seat comfortably, without the seatbelt extender and without overlapping onto the other person's seat.  I want to run and play with my grandson.  There are a whole bunch of things I want to do that I can't do now.  I want to not eat a bunch of crap.  I have lost all desire for it.  Actually, being daignosed with diabetes several years ago probably saved my life.  My food choices at the time were pretty poor.  I went through the diabetes education, and lost all desire for the yuck I was eating.  For that, I am very, very thankful.