Willpower

I came across that word yesterday, while surfing the blogs.  The word "willpower" never even crossed my mind this time around, until yesterday.  To me, willpower means gathering the strength to deny yourself something you really, really want, probably setting yourself up to fail.  I think it's a matter of perspective.  What is it that I really, really want?  I know what I don't want.  I don't want to have diabetes anymore.  I don't want to be in pain and on a cane anymore.  I don't want to have to sit on the sidelines anymore.  I don't want to have to wear fat clothes anymore.  I don't want to worry about having a stroke anymore.  I don't want to worry about dying in my sleep of sleep apnea anymore.  I don't want to have to take 5 different prescription medicines anymore.

I decided sometime ago, I want this to be a lifestyle change I will want to stick with.  I am denying myself nothing.  NOTHING.  My goal is to retrain myself to eat normal amounts of real, healthy, whole foods.  That means no fake food.  I still eat real butter, eggs, sugar, mayo, salt, dairy foods.  I do prefer the taste of lowfat dairy, however.  The higher fat dairy is too thick and gaggy for me. 

I read something not long ago.  It was, "If it didn't exist 100 years ago, don't eat it."  I still eat all these things, but I am realistic about the amounts.  Toast does not have to be dripping with butter to taste good.  I like the taste of food not swimming in gravy and sauces.  I want to savor the taste of a bite of fresh tomato, green beans, whatever.  I imagine the weight would come off faster if I ate the fake food, but I would be less likely to stick with it.  I want to learn to manage real food.  That way there is no diet to come off of and possibly regain the fat.

Believe it or not, as heavy as I am, my cholesterol is only 139.  I have my mom to thank for that.  When she married my step-dad, he was diagnosed with high-cholesterol.  I was 10 at the time.  So, we all went on a low cholesterol diet and I was raised on that.  Real, healthy, from scratch, whole foods.  And, she was working a full time job.

So what is it that I really, really want?  I want to go hiking again.  I want to sit on an airplane seat comfortably, without the seatbelt extender and without overlapping onto the other person's seat.  I want to run and play with my grandson.  There are a whole bunch of things I want to do that I can't do now.  I want to not eat a bunch of crap.  I have lost all desire for it.  Actually, being daignosed with diabetes several years ago probably saved my life.  My food choices at the time were pretty poor.  I went through the diabetes education, and lost all desire for the yuck I was eating.  For that, I am very, very thankful.

My before and after pictures

If anyone is interested in creating their own before and after pictures, you can go here http://www.mvm.com/cs/.  The website is called My Virtual Model.  I am not all that computer savvy and for me, while it was fun, it was also a little difficult.  It's also why my blog is so plain.  I am completely impressed with all the graphics and what not on others blogs. 

Like Mer at We're Losing It says, " I think the pics are a wonderful way to keep yourself on track so that you visualize what you will look like at your ideal weight."  I agree completely.  It helps to look at the after picture and actually see what I could look like.  Not just some far off Maybe in my mind. 

I have a busy day to today, so I better get at it.  I hope everyone's weekend is what you want it to be!

Update

Yay!  I lost all the 4.8 pounds I gained from my Unfortunate Episode and a tiny bit more.  I'l take it! 

 Not much going on.  I want to start posting my meals, just don't have a lot of time during the week.  As it is, I have to go get ready for work. 

 I hope your day is wonderful and successful.  Win the day!

One of those days...

Arthritis...lack of sleep...fast food day...sigh...

Win the Day

Inspiration comes in the funniest places sometimes.  On my morning commute, I occasionally see a little red pick-up truck.  Handwritten across the the back of their window is "Win the Day".  I am going to do just that!  I hope you will too.

Misc. Links

Here are some links I thought someone might be interested in:

http://www.johnhustedmd.com/bmi.htm
To find out your bmi.

http://www.halls.md/body-mass-index/bmirefs.htm
More on your bmi and some other stuff.

http://www.healthdiscovery.net/links/calculators/body_massindex_chart.htm
How to tie your bmi and weight together.  Shows the various levels of obesity and overweight.

I found these sights helpful in setting my goals.

Focus

The things I am currently focusing on are:  Walking around the parking lot at work 3 times, twice a day.  That would be a total of 30 minutes of walking each day.  The other is trying to have a piece of fruit at each meal.  I am not very fond of fruit, so it is a struggle.  Overall, my plan is just to eat healthier, watch portion control, and pay attention to when I have had enough to eat.  I have cut out almost all fast food and processed food.  I go to McD occasionally for breakfast when I have had a bad night and am having difficulty getting around in the mornings. 

While reading the blogs, I am amazed at all the different plans that work for everybody.  I think for me it is going to be calories in and calories out.  I am not counting calories, but if I put a proper amount of healthy food on my plate, that should do it.  I hope. 

The words of others

I haven't been on here for a bit.  Something has been bothering me. 

 I have  a relative that, among other unkind and inappropriate things, once told me I was disgusting.  Surprisingly that wasn't the final straw.  Another snotty comment was.  Anyway, I have not spoken to this person in a little over two years (I ended a couple of other unhealthy relationships, not long before I ended this one).  This person contacted me last week, and wants me to call.  To be honest, I have absolutely no interest in re-connecting.

Funny the call should come during the time I have become interested in blogs.  Oh my goodness!  There are sooooo many different kinds out there...absolutely overwhelming. I digress, back to the story.  I have been reading all the kind and supportive comments TOTAL STRANGERS  are telling each other, thank you so much Dawn.  Your comments are very appreciated!

Anyway, it is striking how different the two are.  I have not returned this person's call, yet.  It gives me a stomach ache everytime I think of it.

I spoke to my former daugher-in-law (not the same person) this afternoon.  She has a 10 month old baby, and has been doing great in her weight-loss.  I made sure to tell her she was doing great and that I was proud of her.  She is also very supportive of me.  Can you imagine?  I am among (what some would say) one of the worst groups there is...an EX MOTHER-IN-LAW, and Miss Heather is very supportive of me and my efforts.  Why not this relative?  Anyhoo...

I am proud of all of us out there who are working to loose weight, become healthy and improve our lives and self image. WE CAN DO THIS!  Keep up the great work of supporting each other.  It is very encouraging.

Progress!

WOOHOO!  My hard work is starting to pay off.  My numbers today were all in the low borderline range.  Starting to loose some of that 4.8 pounds I gained, and, I walked over 6600 steps yesterday.  I think that may be around 3 miles.  So far, I have a little over 5300 steps for today, and the day is not over yet.  Also, did my exercise dvd this morning. 

Tomorrow morning I will do stretches.  I have a wonderful stretching book called Stretching by Bob Anderson.  He is very thorough, and carefully expains how to properly stretch without hurting yourself.  Lots of diagrams and programs to choose from. 

Diabetes

Did I mention I have diabetes?  Yep.  Just passed borderline and into full fledged diabetes.  Can't seem to get my numbers back down.  My also diabetic friend says they are really not all that bad.  But it's passed borderline!  At this point it's supposed to still be able to be managed with diet and exercise.  Like the guy on the heart attack commercial says, What the hell (he doesn't say hell though) was I thinking?!?!  Why did I let it go so long?  I am very frightened.

The damage and the plan

First the damage:  I gained 4.8 pounds during my unfortunate episode.  Bread and butter are my downfall.  I found a really good Italian bread and I ate that a lot to keep my stomach settled.  Whenever I felt nausea...bread and butter.

Now for the plan:  I am switching from 3 eggs and toast, Monday, Wednesday, Friday and oatmeal Tuesday and Thursday to Oatmeal Monday, Wednesday, Friday and lowfat cottage cheese and tomatoes (my favorite breakfast) Tuesday and Thursday.  I haven't figured out lunch and dinner yet.  I am open to suggestions.

I get two 15 minute breaks at work.  I have been walking during my first break and napping during my second break.  I have not been sleeping well (2-3 hours of sleep each night) and am so tired when 2:30 comes around, I just need to sleep.  I will do my darndest to walk in the afternoons.  In the morning I walk around the parking lot 2-3 times, will try to do at least 3 times.  Also, I have an arobics dvd.  It's called Chair Arobics and it really gets you moving.  It works all areas (except maybe your tush) of your body and has a warm-up and a cool-down.  You're just not standing.  There is a standing version on there, something to work up to.  I try to do this every other day (the sitting not the standing).

Have to go get ready for work.  Have a wonderful day!

Something fun

While reading on another blog, I came across this website:  http://www.mvm.com/cs/.  You can go there and create your own models.  It was fun creating this.  It was a little hard for me to navigate the site though, as I am not all that computer savy.  Feeling much better today.  I have a LOT of housework to catch up on.  Booooo!  I hope if anyone reads this, you are having a wonderful weekend.

Comfort

I have discovered two non-food ways to comfort myself.  I discovered them last winter, when I had pneumonia.

First, is a very, very hot bubblebath.  I use EO's French Lavendar with Aloe.  It's a little spendy...$10.00 for a 12 oz bottle.  I don't spend much money on myself, so I don't mind buying this.  Plus, it is very helpful for arthritis pain.

Second, is Twining's Earl Grey tea.  I don't take anything in my tea, so I count it as non-food.  I love Earl Grey tea.  Some brands are better than others.  So far, Twining's is the one I like best.

What are your non-food comforts?

Struggling

It has been a bad few days.  I've been feeling crummy and in a lot of pain.  All because I accidentaly took a second dose of pain medication (I have created a logbook to keep that from happening again).  I have had to keep something in my stomach to keep the nausea at bay, and because of the extra pain meds, vertigo kicked in.  The medication for the vertigo makes me drowsy and had to lay down to keep from falling down (vertigo).  From lying down too much, my back is trying to go out and is very painful.  The heavy duty pain medication for my back makes me nauseous. 

 I have two kinds of pain meds.  Everyday for arthritis and heavy duty for back pain.  I only use that one occasionally, when my back is so bad I can hardly get around.  I know I probably sound like a pain pill addict.  But I'm not, I can't stand the tipsy feeling they give me.  So, I am definately not chasing a high.  I even made a point of talking to my doctor about it.

Needless to say, there has been no exercise at all.  I just about had the no snacking thing down, and now this happens.  Still feeling nausea after all these days.  And forget weighing in.  I will work up the nerve in a few days.

See people, it's things like this that make losing weight so difficult.  It seems like something is always happening and getting in the way.  I know I am whining, but I don't bore people with any of this, and I have to get it off my chest, so this is my place to do it.

Not feeling so great, nausea's back.   I have to go have a bite of something. 

BUMMER

I'm still at 221.8...not the bummer though.  At least it hasn't gone up. 

This morning I accidentally took double my pain medication.  S I C K !!!!!!  I had to keep food on my stomach all day to keep from feeling the effects so bad.  Also, had a big heavy lunch at McD's, I thought that might help, no.  S I C K E R  So much for my no snacking thing...that's the bummer.  Oh, and the pill thing, of course.

Tomorrow I will just dust myself off and start all over.  Hopefully I haven't regained too much.  Here's hoping...

Holding

Still holding this morning at 221.8.  Went walking on my break, it is so cold.  I only made two laps around the parking lot instead of three. 

I am pretty determined on my no snacks, as long as I eat a decent meal.  Breakfast this morning was lowfat cottage cheese with tomatoes, toast, banana and milk.  That is a good meal and I have learn to let it hold me until lunch.  When I feel hungry, I tell myself that is the feeling of fat leaving my body.

Magic numbers

I forgot, I wanted to talk about magic numbers.  Lyn on Escaping Obesity talks about them.  Weights that are important to you. 

My first one is coming up.  At 220 pounds I will no longer be morbidly obese, I will be down to severely obese.  Then will be 219.  At 219 I will have less than 100 pounds to lose.  Then next is 199, out of the 200s.  Then will be 190, I will have left severely obese to very overweight or obese.  Then at 180, I will be overweight.  At 150, I will be marginally overweight.  When I reach 135, I will be in a normal range.  My goal is 120. 

What are your magic numbers? 

A book

Over the weekend, I came across a book review on Amazon.  The book is The No S Diet.  I'm not really one to jump on this diet or that (too lazy), buuut, the esses this book talks about is - no sweets, no snacks and no seconds (except on days that start with S and Special Occasions).  And it got me to thinking, back when I was a kid, I was not allowed snacks before eating (might spoil my appetite), and not allowed very many sweets (not good for you).  I think I probably had seconds here and there.  Anyway, I was not an overweight kid at all.  And back then, there wasn't NEARLY the obesity there is now.  Maybe the old rules may have something to them. 

And, why is there so much obesity now?  Life is so incredibly fast paced and busy, I just don't understand it.

I did pretty good on no snacks and sweets today.  Oatmeal, toast and milk for breakfast, water and Taco Bell Fresco Chicken soft tacos for lunch (about 550 calories).  Dinner was not so great.  My son usually cooks dinner, but had a tooth pulled today, so he was not up to it.  I cooked spanish rice, corn and corn tortilla quesadillas.  I didn't have a quesadilla though, not all that hungry.  I have also been trying to drink more water.  Trying is the word here.  I keep forgetting, but I did good today.  I have a big glass at work, 20 oz maybe, and I filled it at least 3 times, maybe 4.

Well, I'm off for a hot lavender bubble bath.  Since I stopped taking the new arthritis medicine, I am hurting a lot in the evenings again.  The hot bath cuts back on the pain and lavender is supposed to help you sleep.  We shall see. 

Feeling better

So, I had to stop taking my new arthritis medication.  It gave me horrible insomnia.  I was getting only 2-3 hours of sleep per night.  Bonus, down a couple more pounds, a little over 10 pounds lost. WOOHOO!!!

Update

Woohoo!  I'm down 8 pounds!  Not feeling so great today, my grandson and I both have tummy bugs, so I should go down some more (yeah, I count on that too). 

My eating has been good, oatmeal, toast and milk for breakfast, roast beef hash for lunch, chicken, rice pilaf and asparagus for dinner.  If you'll notice, there are some things missing.  We don't eat enough fruit and vegetables.  We tend to eat mostly starch and protein.  Combine that with not moving enough and that is probably my problem right there.

I have my pedometer and that is very motivating to compete with myself and try to increase the number of steps every day.  I am surprised at how much I am moving.  For a while I did not try to increase and just noted my numbers at the end of the day, just to see how a normal day was.  I was very surprised.  They say 2000 steps are about 1 mile.  I normally get in 3500 to 4000 steps, sometimes even over 6000.  I have a desk job and thought I was pretty sedentary. 

I do try to walk on my breaks, however, with not sleeping well, I take a nap on my afternoon break.  I would like to stop that and start walking.  I have to try and figure out what to do to get some better sleep.  It is taking hours to fall asleep.  I'm going to the store today and getting some Sleepytime Tea and found my Silent Night herb combo.  Gotta stop taking Nyquil to get to sleep.  Here's hoping...

Oooops

I haven't weighed in a few days.  Looks like I am starting the year out at 232 instead of 223.  Bummer.  I am on my cycle, so maybe in a few days I will be back down. 

 I am not hungry today.  Couldn't get to sleep until after 2 am sometime.  Woke up 3 hours later with a raging headache, fell back to sleep for a few hours and still woke up with a headache.  The headache is gone, but no appetite.  Just am having a few cups of coffee so far.  I know, not very healthy.

Trying this again

I lost my blog for a while.  While logging in to follow another blog, I magically found mine.  Since it is almost midnight, I am not going to write much.   But I will say, the other blog I am following is pretty great...Escape from Obesity.  I highly recommend it. 

Somehow I have lost 7 pounds.  I have no idea how.  I will say, I did pretty good over the holidays.  They have never been a real problem as far as eating too much.  Probably because I have no life and don't go to parties and overdo it.  And since standing too long and trying to cook is a problem, I don't bake much.  So there you have it.